Every year as soon as the weather gets nice I drive around with my sunroof open, this usually reminds me of when I first got my license and for the first couple of weeks of spring I take a musical trip down memory lane with my iPod which usually consists of Deana Carter and SHeDaisy and a few others…

Recently I have been thinking a lot about the only guy I have ever loved and who subsequently pulverized my heart into pieces so small that I often wonder if my heart will ever be whole again. It’s been years, a lot of years… and yet I still think about him and what was and what could have been and if I will ever feel the way that I felt when I was with him. I buried my feelings about the relationship and never really dealt with them because they were just too painful and raw to even go near much less deal with. After another failed attempt at dating that came to an end last month, a lot of these unresolved feelings came rushing back to me and they were a little overwhelming and I’ve been trying to work through them and deal with them.

Last week, I had my sunroof open and Deana Carter blaring on the way to school… and the lyrics caused me to have an epiphany Is it really him or the loss of my innocence I’ve been missing so much I have heard this song so many times over the past 14 years, it’s one of my top 20 favorite songs and yet it was like I was hearing it for the very first time. Maybe I don’t miss him, maybe it’s just that I miss who I used to be before I had my heart broken in a quadrillion pieces. I miss the girl who had a whole heart, who was able to trust, who was carefree, who had never cried herself to sleep for months on end. I want that girl back, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get all of her back but I hope to at least get most of her back.

Today marks six years since I said goodbye to the greatest man I have ever known, most likely the greatest man I will ever know, my Papaw. It doesn’t seem like six years, there are times that I still forget that he isn’t here anymore. There have been many times over the past six years that I’ve reached for the phone to call him only to remember that I can’t. I’ve had a few dreams about him over the years, I wish they were more often, each time I wake up from them feeling like I have just seen him. From the time I first went to visit my Papaw in Tennessee at the age of 3, I was his shadow. I would follow him around all over the house, the farm, the garden and would tag along on any errand he had to run. The older I got, the more I appreciated my Papaw. By the time that I was 19 he had become one of my best friends, I only wish I had more time with him, 21 years wasn’t enough. There are not enough words to describe how much I love and miss him.

The whole experience has been amazing, when I first checked in at the airport, Virgin’s employees were super friendly and helpful with the check-in process which is much different than what I’ve experienced lately on other airlines.

The plane is gorgeous!!! I’m sitting in coach and I’m sittin pretty in a comfy leather seat and I have my personal tv screen at my seat! But wait, it gets so much better! I can order drinks and food off the screen, and they come in about a minute!! My Mom sent me an email and asked how much longer I had, so I told her the exact amount of miles left thanks to the awesome map that shows where we are! And the best part of the flight, the wifi!!

I think I’m going to take a nap now in my comfy leather chair!

Here is what you should be looking for…

And just because I am so excited, here are a few pics of the Modern Family cast…

Gina Lee, me and Ariane Price, Ariane is a new character on my Modern Family, her debut on the show is tomorrow!

p.s. I hate checking my voicemail

Friday

In the car on the way to the hotel

At the hotel

At the bar

Outside the bar

In a bathroom somewhere? (this was what I like to refer to as my jello shot blackout period)

No explanation needed it’s Vegas

Our new friend

Whose hat am I wearing?

The night ended with a cabbie taking us through the McD’s drive thru at 3:30 AM for happy meals. Needless to say there are no pictures of me on Saturday or Sunday because I was hungover the rest of the weekend. On the bright side I won $137 all from a single dollar bill!

~Karyn